Well the time has come...have been trying to avoid the subject, but there's no avoiding it.
23 years... 23 .... yes 23 years ago on October 5, 1989 was the last time I spoke on the phone with my mother. She had been hospitalized due to a car accident which caused her to have multiple operations. Yet, she was to leave the hospital a week later...I did not go to see her in Miami where she had moved
because I had
just returned, a month before, from having spent with my 7 year old son a
month with her. I had spent the first week of my so call vacation with a
friend who and I had rented a car so that this friend would teach me
how to drive. I also rented a room in a hotel on South Beach while my
son stayed with my mother who lived in a trailer park. After days in the
hotel, I found myself being more a baby sitter to my friend who had her
baby with her, but I was the one who was taking care of him. While I
was the one paying for the expensive hotel and the rented car, everyone
thought I was her maid. Of course according to some bigots, I looked the
part and not my so call friend. I was not happy having spent time with
her and caring for her child. I waited for her to return from her night
out as usual and took the keys and on my own decided to drive. As luck
would have it, things went wrongly for me and my so call friend had to
bail me out. Yes, she did this and helped me from secured imprisonment
as I did not have a license to drive. However, I was pushed to do this.
And for many years, I was in shame for having done this. Of course,
most graceful and my then friend ensured I was reminded of this each
time I'd visit the state.
Yet, before all this, on that same time upon returning to New York I had a dream whereby I saw my mother dying due to an eminent car accident. I warned her immediately but my mom reassured me nothing was going to happen.
Something did happened the following week...she had that car accident as I told her. Dreading the worst, I was not told she had died, but that she was alright. Yet, needed operations on her knees...I had just started a new job and could not take off. Assuming she would be okay, and fearing to see her in a hospital, I chickened out and never went...but would talk to her on the phone every day.
On this very day 23 years ago, a Thursday then, my mother told me how "tired she was of living and how her soul hurt." This of course was said in Spanish as my mother never spoke English with me. I asked her why she was saying this to please hang out a bit more that I would visit her again as soon as I could. We were finally getting alone. We never did, our relationship was most unusual, actually we never had a mother and daughter relationship. But we were getting along and I was so happy. I remember her final embrace and the $10.00 she gave me when I said goodbye to her at the airport in Miami. I still feel her warm embrace and warm kiss.
As we spoke on the phone, I was telling her how bad my situation was. I had started a new job at a French bank and was not getting along with two women who seem to have feud amongst themselves and I was caught in the middle. I hated going to work yet could do nothing as I had been working for only a month when my mother suffered that accident. That Thursday during our final conversation I talked to my mother about so many things, so many plans for the future, and she reassured me how everything would be just fine for me for now on. How my luck would change. How finally I would be happy. I felt a cold chill inside my heart and unnerving feeling of doom as I said goodbye to her. She said "I love you" and that was the last time we spoke.
The next day at around 3:00PM I was sending a cable to a Japanese bank and typed "Toyo" it was my mom's nickname for me..Toyo, Toyita,...don't know why, but I typed that and stopped typing.
When I got home, and til this day, I don't remember, a neighbor told me what had happened. Someone had called her or reached her or something like this. I laughed and said, "No, that's not true!' She said, "Yes, it is." As I recall this now, I have a sharp pain in my heart. I have never written about this...ever...ever...
I felt the need to run... yes run.... I called the hospital... actually, I did not have a phone... it had been disconnected. Yes, now I remember. So the call went to my babysitter as my son was only 7 years old.
Someone at the hospital told me to stop calling asking for her because she was not dead... She is not dead! Someone said...she's not dead!
But it was a lie... a cruel lie... she was dead!
My mom was just 51 years old. Healthy, never smoked...drank beer yes...loved to drink her two Budweiser before going to bed...was in excellent shape...beautiful... beautiful legs...small waist...great hair...great skin tone...everything...
had diplomas in practically everything! Was the first woman to have graduated as an electrical engineer in her college!!!!!! She could put together a color TV in minutes and a radio in seconds!
She had diplomas as a cosmetologist-several specialization
She had diplomas as a colorist-several specialization
She had diplomas in fashion design-seamstress-several specialization
She had a diploma in electrical engineering
She was the best cook ever!
could cook the most delicious dishes I never put attention to learn to do.
She could bake the best cake recipes!
But she left it all to go to Miami and live with a man I did not care for. A nobody!
She's dead!
She's dead!
No, maybe there has been a mistake!
Someone told me on the phone she was not dead!
Someone told me on the phone she had not died!
"Don't worry my beloved daughter everything is going to be better for you for now on...just watch!"
These were her final words
these were her final words!
The next day she's dead
The following day I am on a plane heading back to Miami
I did not go to the hospital to see her lifeless body.
I went to a funeral home to make funeral arrangements to bring her back to New York with me and bury close to me.
She would not be away any mother.
She would me near me ...
Yes, she wanted to be buried in her beloved country, Panamá
I could barely afford her funeral in New York and expense of transporting her body. Buying a coffin... it was just a box
A simple box
a box
I could not afford anything else.
I remember it was gray
that's all I remember.
I went to JC Penny store...
had never entered that store in my life!
I would only shop at SAKS 5th Ave
or Bloomingdale's
my mother had spoiled me all my life.... nothing but the best for me... best private education... best of everything...
except when I married the man she did not want me to marry.
A nobody...
But I did...
It was not love
It was just to forget the pain of my only love
the love I sought out during my first trip to Spain.
This love of my life
which I myself killed
Yet, that's another story
another sad story
I went to her trailer park
I went inside her home
the smell of rotten food approached
my nostril.....
that man she had been living with
did not even clean anything...
Where was he?
where the Fruck was he?
Stupid idiot, I learned later had taken his car
and drove to New York where I was to
deliver the news
that my mother had died.
The stupid idiot!
I saw birds in a big cage
her prized Cockatoos
there were like 20 of them!
She loveddddd them!
God almighty
I had to prepare to bring those damn birds with me.
I was alone you see
I have nobody you see
my son was left in the care of my babysitter back in New York
I did not call anyone I know.
I am not a person who has friends
a list of friends
a group of friends
my friends are selected by me very cautiously
they belong in my circle only because they
have gained my trust!
yet, the two or three friends I had back then
were not informed.
Funeral arrangements....what kind of cards to choose from
cards announcing the ceremony
funeral cards...
I had to choose
English or Spanish writing?
I don't know...
Meanwhile, back in JC Penny
went to perfume section to buy her favorite of perfumes
Channel Number 5
bought the biggest of bottles
a most precious white nightgown with a robe...
I remember they had pearls...it was so delicate...
white stockings
white shoes...
white everything...
someone said: Ohhh Dios mio...why so much? Why you spending so much money... dah store sooo espensive!
A Spanish and nosy lady said... ohhhh dat hopital KILLED your mother.... you hav to suuuu dat hopital...they KILLED your mother!
Shut the fruck up woman...who the hell are you? I said to myself why not paying any attention to what she was saying.
I went inside my mom's trailer... took a couple of things... saw a kitten... a precious kitten... they were my mothers cats... well neighborhood cats she fed...not inside her home...she had those birds already.
she had a beautiful garden... even a plantain plant! It was a beautiful garden.
I could not stay in that place...so I went to look for a modest hotel and stayed overnight to attempt to sleep. Did not sleep... I could not sleep. Remember, I had not seen my mother's lifeless body yet....did not even go to the hospital for the funeral home was going to take care of all the arrangements.
The wife of a friend helped me during the funeral arrangement...that's as far as I remember.
The airport...
I had 2 or 3 or was it 4 little cages for those damn birds!
and inside my little Lord & Taylor bag was the kitten...
I named him Lucy
it was male later I found out...
Lucy because it was born in Miami and people mostly are Cuban...
and I Love Lucy was my favorite show..
Each time I'd arrive home from work I'd say
"Lucy I am home"-just as Ricky Ricardo would say...
I needed to think of things that were not about my dead mother...the coffin was on the plane I was flying on...I never saw it.. I just felt it...
Got to New York...
Don't remember anything else...everything was set for the funeral...
on the day of viewing...
it took me 5 hours to summon the nerve to go inside the funeral home...
I tried to hide my feelings for my son's sake..
I did not let him see his grandmother dead
I went to church to ask the Monseigneur to accompany me to the funeral home and to bless my mother...he helped me through that...he gave me strength...
There were people inside... I avoided looking at my mother...
There were people inside...I avoided looking at my mother...
What's the purpose of retelling this story after 23 years?
There's none.
I finally remember
Rest in peace my beloved mother...
I have certainly not been at peace...
whereby there has been good things in my life since you left us...
I am still waiting for hope.
You never got to see me graduate from college
become an award winning teacher
both in New York and throughout China.
You never saw me become a college professor...
it has its perks at times
no it's not full time
you never saw me graduate from grad school
I finally have as many degrees as you did mom.
as for your beloved grandson
I know you've never left his side.
he was the love of your life
Yet, before all this, on that same time upon returning to New York I had a dream whereby I saw my mother dying due to an eminent car accident. I warned her immediately but my mom reassured me nothing was going to happen.
Something did happened the following week...she had that car accident as I told her. Dreading the worst, I was not told she had died, but that she was alright. Yet, needed operations on her knees...I had just started a new job and could not take off. Assuming she would be okay, and fearing to see her in a hospital, I chickened out and never went...but would talk to her on the phone every day.
On this very day 23 years ago, a Thursday then, my mother told me how "tired she was of living and how her soul hurt." This of course was said in Spanish as my mother never spoke English with me. I asked her why she was saying this to please hang out a bit more that I would visit her again as soon as I could. We were finally getting alone. We never did, our relationship was most unusual, actually we never had a mother and daughter relationship. But we were getting along and I was so happy. I remember her final embrace and the $10.00 she gave me when I said goodbye to her at the airport in Miami. I still feel her warm embrace and warm kiss.
As we spoke on the phone, I was telling her how bad my situation was. I had started a new job at a French bank and was not getting along with two women who seem to have feud amongst themselves and I was caught in the middle. I hated going to work yet could do nothing as I had been working for only a month when my mother suffered that accident. That Thursday during our final conversation I talked to my mother about so many things, so many plans for the future, and she reassured me how everything would be just fine for me for now on. How my luck would change. How finally I would be happy. I felt a cold chill inside my heart and unnerving feeling of doom as I said goodbye to her. She said "I love you" and that was the last time we spoke.
The next day at around 3:00PM I was sending a cable to a Japanese bank and typed "Toyo" it was my mom's nickname for me..Toyo, Toyita,...don't know why, but I typed that and stopped typing.
When I got home, and til this day, I don't remember, a neighbor told me what had happened. Someone had called her or reached her or something like this. I laughed and said, "No, that's not true!' She said, "Yes, it is." As I recall this now, I have a sharp pain in my heart. I have never written about this...ever...ever...
I felt the need to run... yes run.... I called the hospital... actually, I did not have a phone... it had been disconnected. Yes, now I remember. So the call went to my babysitter as my son was only 7 years old.
Someone at the hospital told me to stop calling asking for her because she was not dead... She is not dead! Someone said...she's not dead!
But it was a lie... a cruel lie... she was dead!
My mom was just 51 years old. Healthy, never smoked...drank beer yes...loved to drink her two Budweiser before going to bed...was in excellent shape...beautiful... beautiful legs...small waist...great hair...great skin tone...everything...
had diplomas in practically everything! Was the first woman to have graduated as an electrical engineer in her college!!!!!! She could put together a color TV in minutes and a radio in seconds!
She had diplomas as a cosmetologist-several specialization
She had diplomas as a colorist-several specialization
She had diplomas in fashion design-seamstress-several specialization
She had a diploma in electrical engineering
She was the best cook ever!
could cook the most delicious dishes I never put attention to learn to do.
She could bake the best cake recipes!
But she left it all to go to Miami and live with a man I did not care for. A nobody!
She's dead!
She's dead!
No, maybe there has been a mistake!
Someone told me on the phone she was not dead!
Someone told me on the phone she had not died!
"Don't worry my beloved daughter everything is going to be better for you for now on...just watch!"
These were her final words
these were her final words!
The next day she's dead
The following day I am on a plane heading back to Miami
I did not go to the hospital to see her lifeless body.
I went to a funeral home to make funeral arrangements to bring her back to New York with me and bury close to me.
She would not be away any mother.
She would me near me ...
Yes, she wanted to be buried in her beloved country, Panamá
I could barely afford her funeral in New York and expense of transporting her body. Buying a coffin... it was just a box
A simple box
a box
I could not afford anything else.
I remember it was gray
that's all I remember.
I went to JC Penny store...
had never entered that store in my life!
I would only shop at SAKS 5th Ave
or Bloomingdale's
my mother had spoiled me all my life.... nothing but the best for me... best private education... best of everything...
except when I married the man she did not want me to marry.
A nobody...
But I did...
It was not love
It was just to forget the pain of my only love
the love I sought out during my first trip to Spain.
This love of my life
which I myself killed
Yet, that's another story
another sad story
I went to her trailer park
I went inside her home
the smell of rotten food approached
my nostril.....
that man she had been living with
did not even clean anything...
Where was he?
where the Fruck was he?
Stupid idiot, I learned later had taken his car
and drove to New York where I was to
deliver the news
that my mother had died.
The stupid idiot!
I saw birds in a big cage
her prized Cockatoos
there were like 20 of them!
She loveddddd them!
God almighty
I had to prepare to bring those damn birds with me.
I was alone you see
I have nobody you see
my son was left in the care of my babysitter back in New York
I did not call anyone I know.
I am not a person who has friends
a list of friends
a group of friends
my friends are selected by me very cautiously
they belong in my circle only because they
have gained my trust!
yet, the two or three friends I had back then
were not informed.
Funeral arrangements....what kind of cards to choose from
cards announcing the ceremony
funeral cards...
I had to choose
English or Spanish writing?
I don't know...
Meanwhile, back in JC Penny
went to perfume section to buy her favorite of perfumes
Channel Number 5
bought the biggest of bottles
a most precious white nightgown with a robe...
I remember they had pearls...it was so delicate...
white stockings
white shoes...
white everything...
someone said: Ohhh Dios mio...why so much? Why you spending so much money... dah store sooo espensive!
A Spanish and nosy lady said... ohhhh dat hopital KILLED your mother.... you hav to suuuu dat hopital...they KILLED your mother!
Shut the fruck up woman...who the hell are you? I said to myself why not paying any attention to what she was saying.
I went inside my mom's trailer... took a couple of things... saw a kitten... a precious kitten... they were my mothers cats... well neighborhood cats she fed...not inside her home...she had those birds already.
she had a beautiful garden... even a plantain plant! It was a beautiful garden.
I could not stay in that place...so I went to look for a modest hotel and stayed overnight to attempt to sleep. Did not sleep... I could not sleep. Remember, I had not seen my mother's lifeless body yet....did not even go to the hospital for the funeral home was going to take care of all the arrangements.
The wife of a friend helped me during the funeral arrangement...that's as far as I remember.
The airport...
I had 2 or 3 or was it 4 little cages for those damn birds!
and inside my little Lord & Taylor bag was the kitten...
I named him Lucy
it was male later I found out...
Lucy because it was born in Miami and people mostly are Cuban...
and I Love Lucy was my favorite show..
Each time I'd arrive home from work I'd say
"Lucy I am home"-just as Ricky Ricardo would say...
I needed to think of things that were not about my dead mother...the coffin was on the plane I was flying on...I never saw it.. I just felt it...
Got to New York...
Don't remember anything else...everything was set for the funeral...
on the day of viewing...
it took me 5 hours to summon the nerve to go inside the funeral home...
I tried to hide my feelings for my son's sake..
I did not let him see his grandmother dead
I went to church to ask the Monseigneur to accompany me to the funeral home and to bless my mother...he helped me through that...he gave me strength...
There were people inside... I avoided looking at my mother...
There were people inside...I avoided looking at my mother...
What's the purpose of retelling this story after 23 years?
There's none.
I finally remember
Rest in peace my beloved mother...
I have certainly not been at peace...
whereby there has been good things in my life since you left us...
I am still waiting for hope.
You never got to see me graduate from college
become an award winning teacher
both in New York and throughout China.
You never saw me become a college professor...
it has its perks at times
no it's not full time
you never saw me graduate from grad school
I finally have as many degrees as you did mom.
as for your beloved grandson
I know you've never left his side.
he was the love of your life
